i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Randomize
