I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Randomize
