1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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