I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
