How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
