my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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