I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
