I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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