last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
