i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
