Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
