Kareoke will never be a sober sport
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
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