I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
