So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
