just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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