Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
