I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
