I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
