Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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