so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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