Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
