Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
