I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
