can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
