the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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