Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize
