i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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