i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
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