Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
