i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
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