Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
