this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
