and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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