omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Randomize
