fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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