Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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