So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
