So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
