I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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