you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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