Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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