i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Farmville is her only friend.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
