you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
