I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
