I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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