I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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