So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
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