Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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