I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
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