i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
