Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
