Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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