well I can't set my house on fire every night
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
