Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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