yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
