Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
