i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
