i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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